Its 3.00 a.m. and the urge to write has overtaken me. What is interesting to me is that this urge whilst still being deep in grief has roughly happened this year where the seasons change marked by the equinox’s. I don’t know what it means but I am pretty sure it means something because its certainly not intentional. When I feel like writing I can rattle off ten posts a month, but to find my few posts this year have roughly timed with the change in seasons is, well, interesting.

How am I feeling? Better, a lot better. I know I am still on the journey of a new widow after a long marriage but the spark of joy in life is returning and I have purposefully given myself permission to relax and let the moments of contentment and happiness flow. Also and to laugh, as heartily (without sounding like a crazy woman) as I can. I think over the last couple of years I have missed the laughter the most.

Son no.1 and no. 2 and I took hubby to The Thames, to London Bridge at low tide a couple of weeks ago, shortly after we had taken time as a family to remember him on the first anniversary. It was a very difficult day, but one I feel that brought us closer together with the support we had for one another and the feeling that we did fulfil hubby’s last wishes. I know personally it has lifted a great pressure from me, as we had, had difficulty finding the right date and time for all of us and to eventually carry out my promise, made many times over the course of our life together but most notably the day before he died gave me a feeling of that we had discharged hubby’s wishes in as fine a way as he would have wanted. But that it was also bringing closure to that very painful part of our life together, the part with the illness and the pain. Now with luck (although the flash backs still persist but not quite as violently) I get to enjoy the happy memories.

So the last couple of months I’ve taken to doing the bare minimum at the plot. I think I tend to do this every year though, to take a breather. Although of course there have been jams and chutneys to prepare, which I could still make but have decided to stop making as I have enough, although an idea for a pear chutney is floating in my brain this year, so I may well try a small quantity to test it out.

I have however been picking and eating and enjoying! the food I have been making so that is all good. The tomatoes, which have been on the verge of blight all summer with the rain have done very well, my freezers are full to exploding. Sweetcorn has been delightful, the broad beans were tender delicious delights of which I have a frozen store for midwinter to tempt the jaded palate after Christmas. I could go on, over all, its been very good.

I’m back to making soups twice weekly and fresh food most evenings. Of course there are so many leftovers when cooking for one, but the whippets don’t seem to mind and I think it gives them additional nutrients which can be no bad thing. They certainly enjoy their treats. I have even ordered an Abel and Cole veg box to supplement my own vegetables and give variety, which was a pleasure last week. I think once every few weeks will be about right for that. The vegetables they supplied last week were everything I wanted them to be and definitely more varied and better quality than I would have been able to purchase from the supermarket.

This week I picked my own veg box.

One of the cauliflowers that did good, some black italian kale, some rainbow chard, the last of the french beans, the rest being left to go to seed to provide dried haricot beans in the winter, the first of the purple sprouting and the first of the leeks. Pears which are having trouble ripening this year so far and may well be poached with a raspberry sauce. Oh and of course tomatoes and I’m sure I could find a cucumber if I wanted to.

So I made minestrone which is one of my favourite soups and is so versatile to make with whatever is good in the garden as long as you have tomatoes, onions or leeks, a root in the way of a carrot, some leaves, a pulse and some pasta and good stock. Starting slowly with a gentle saute of the onions/leeks and roots to bring out the sweetness and flavour and then you can add pretty much anything, I throw in sweetcorn and diced courgettes and french beans and any vegetables that look good, even a little potato has been known to be added to the delicious bubbling pot. That with a good grating of parmesan and I’m a happy girl.

Then try as I might to steer the culinary conversation away from cheese – I’m trying to up my plants and cut back on my cheese and meats – that little cauliflower cried out for a cheese sauce. So I marched to the corner shop and came back with cheese and milk and as a side note that little culinary shopping trip came to nearly seven pounds on two items! £4.00 for 300g cheese and £2.67 for the milk. I think I will be doing the longer walk to the supermarket in the future. But I made a delightful cauliflower cheese with an added addition of some sweet potato to make it a little more substantial. It was everything I wanted it to be.

A hug in a bowl.

And that’s me really. There is much to be done at the allotment, I need to get it clear for the winter, I’ve already started on it. There is knitting afoot of which I will update you. The chimney sweep came yesterday, the coal store is full as well as plenty of kindling. I am starting to get ready for winter and do you know I am looking forward to it. There will be theatre trips and shopping excursions, knitting groups and reading clubs, frosty mornings and late afternoons allotmenting, winter evenings in the pub, nights reading and knitting in front of the open fire wrapped up in blankets, whippets and cats, perusal of vegetable seed catalogues and much planning of the growing, a little sewing in the way of a new quilt for a special occasion and best of all hearty winter roasts and stews. Life is good.